Away from SocMed but not really

Fulfillment of one’s soul is simply hard to be explained. Really. I know I used to enjoy having Twitter and having lots of friends found on the Internet, but there’s something that is not that good about being too engaged in social media. When some say that people who are always on socmed 24-7 do not have a life…. they might be right. I always ponder upon the reason someone is always active on socmed, like Twitter or FB or Instagram. Instagram is somehow that something I have a love-hate relationship to begin with. Sure, I like it when I have something to post and someone liked my pictures and commented on it, but when I have nothing and I’m scrolling through other people’s post, I found jealousy, envy and unsatisfactory on my part. For one, it feels like someone else have their lives better than me, when they go to a vacation overseas, or when they post something that I don’t have. But the worst feeling is the fact that I discover that I am unhappy and I have nothing good going on in my life, like what have I achieved so far? And Twitter on the other hand, is a place where you think your opinions should matter and it is right, even when it is not.

So, this is what my auntie once told me. If you keep looking at the people who are more richer than you, or their lives seems better than you, then all you will find is you’re not satisfied with what you have. But if you look at the people who have their lives harder than yours, you’d find yourself more grateful upon the blessings given by Allah in your life.

And also, recently someone has been telling me stuffs I tend to think about. Why do you have to rant on socmed? Isn’t there any other healthy ways to release your stress and anger? Like sports, or jogging, or playing video games, or maybe eat your feelings out (although not excessively as it may lead to obesity). And therefore, as of now, I have deactivated both my Twitter and Instagram.



Happy 23rd Birthday

To a supposedly wiser but yet, still stupid me who chose to do something reckless, early in the morning of my birthday,

Congrats you bastard! You did it again! You self-esteem couldn’t be any lower and your shamefulness is still unbearably low!

Anyway, what’s up blog? I haven’t touched you since that infatuation post last year. Since the then failed wedding and all the shits I went through, everything’s been going fine since then. Really, really. The last semester where I repeat all of the compulsory subjects, I managed to get 3.57 and my CGPA went whopping from 2.55 to 2.97. I guess it must have replaced all of the old grades of E’s and F’s I got during my 1st and 2nd year. What a memory. And after I get back together with AH, I broke up with him, again. That guilt has been chasing me more consistently lately, got me thinking it quite hard even though I wouldn’t let my mind ponder too deep upon it. I know I would get a mild depression if I keep doing so. And now I am fixated on someone else, and I’m wondering is he the real deal? Am I doing something right for once? Or am I rushing all this and yet committing another imbecilic mistake that I have always done? I’ll admit one thing. At the beginning, I really was super motivated in doing my work, but as of week 3, I’m letting my full-blown crush get in the way and love… stupid love is in the air. That feeling of wanting to get close to someone you like again and again is getting in the way of my work, and also blowing up the fucking lust balloon. Where is the ever-so-motivated young research intern that started working 3 weeks ago?

I truly feel sorry towards AH. Sometimes, I missed him. Sometimes I thought about myself when I feel too happy, and then it quickly resorted to me thinking about AH, and question such as “How can I be this happy when AH maybe feels devastated?”. He really does love me, even if his commitment haven’t yet reached to the point I wanted it to be. And now I might be doing some self-emotional sabotaging by looking through all of the previous messages we had on Skype. Stupid, stupid me. When will I ever learn about love the hard way and start to make responsible decisions on myself and my future?

I still have a lot of work to do and I am procrastinating, yet, again. Damn, it feels so good to at least write something. I have been opting out on Twitter and Instagram. That’ll do something good for me, I know there will be. I hate feeling like a complete failure every time I open up Instagram. Lately, someone else has been a source of comfort and also anxiety. I am wondering if… this is okay?


Logic vs Infatuation

Infatuation is never easy. It’s like a fucking disease, infesting your heart and mind and it makes you do the unthinkable things. Sometimes, it feels like you’re drunk with the thoughts of this one particular person. Endless thoughts streaming your mind, endless possibilities, endless what-ifs…

I am too old for this shit. I thought, with everything I went through in the romance department, I thought… I’m already wiser. But no, I still am definitely not wise enough to overcome infatuation. How much more must I experience to make me understand that at the end of the day, infatuation is not worth it, it’s just not love?

Let’s look at the facts. He’s good looking. There’s shitload of good looking guys all over the world. He’s way too young and you’re not a fucking cougar. He used me. And I let him.

Let’s just stop being stupid and ogling at his face coz… man, Daniel Henney is like 120% more handsome although inaccessible.


The Present

After the wedding got canceled, after the Eid ul-Fitr, after the aftermath… and here I am. Feeling lost than ever. Still not quite sure of who I am. Still not quite sure of what to do. I have officially revert back to my old self… The ever so-selfish and a fudging a-hole of me like I have always been.

I feel like the consequences of my failures are finally catching up to me.. For always failing my subjects in university, now when everybody else will be graduating this October, I will still be in UTM to complete my degree. And who is to blame? Me. For playing around and not taking things seriously.

The failed wedding and then, the friends or acquaintances around my age are getting married or already have by the time I write this post, makes me feel down and bad for myself because they achieved their happiness but I haven’t yet.

Sometimes I want to think that Allah loves me, that’s why I’m getting all these tests. But then again, maybe these are the consequences of not choosing options wisely and fucking up every now and then. I wished I can stop sabotaging myself again and again and quit all the bad habits I have developed over 20 years. I hope to Allah that he will always give me conscience for every mistakes that I do or did, and rise up to fix it again. Amiin.

Catching up

A lot has been happening in my life since I last wrote a post in here. And hi there.. I gave up my internship because it was too much for me to handle with the upcoming wedding, final year project presentation and final exam but then.. I found it the hard way that I was not able to present my final year project. I was really stressed early May up to this point that it took a toll on me. My optimism was nowhere to be seen and I only saw the worst in what is happening in my life at that moment. I was blaming the people around me, putting less blame in myself and starting to see every negative point about something. I did not realized that there were a lot of people giving me encouragement and support and whom genuinely care about me. I was blind during my worst moment. Today, when one of my lecturers was explaining on the tips of presenting your project/report, I found out that I can still fight for my case, I can solve my problem and bring it to the judgment of the Head of Department. The only thing was, I am too scared because it’s a bit late for me to send in my report now and I am afraid that since there is no one validating my report, I will be putting up a shit show, presenting what is wrong instead. I am not confident in my project or my knowledge of it. It is after all a test in which I was chosen by Allah to face it. Or maybe it is a kifarah to my previous sins… Who knows…? I have too much sins to begin with anyway. For the time being, I guess I will utilize my time to do my very best, whatever may come in my way. But until then, I believe I should ask Allah to provide me with the energy and patience that I will need along the way.

I saw a video today. To stop pursuing your passion… It doesn’t sound bad as the title suggest. But what I learned from it was invaluable. My whole life, my life as an undergraduate specifically, I have been wondering what is my passion if it’s not Chemistry? What is the field in which I have the most potential? What should I do for a living that will make me happy, that is my passion? Will I ever find it? How long would it be before I discover my passion? It’s a lot of questions that seems very exciting and daunting at the same time. According to the guest speaker in TED talk, passion is something in which you devote your time, energy and attention to, so as long as you keep wondering what is your passion, you are indeed stuck not doing anything. So start doing something to discover more about yourself and be useful to other people. Find a reason to live the life you’re living instead of moping around, wondering the ‘what ifs’ that will never happen if you don’t do anything or take any initiative for that matter.



Purdah, Niqab and Burqa in Malaysia

So today, I would like to share about something I found along researching about niqab in Malaysia. Originally, I was told to wear one during my wedding but I wanted to wear it because of myself… not because of external factors. So, I turn on the ‘full-research-mode’ and came across some pretty interesting stuffs. So here goes…

  1. The difference between purdah, niqab and burqa
  • Purdah
    – A term commonly known and used in Malaysia for people who cover their faces with veils. Albeit, purdah is actually the kind of veil that covers from below your eyes and downwards. Meaning, it only shows your eyes and your forehead.



Purdah. Credit:


  • Niqab
    – The veil that covers every part of the face except for your eyes. So, only your eyes can be seen.



  • Burqa
    – Every part of your face is covered but there’s a thin layer (usually at the part that covers your eyes) so that you can still see.



2.  The purpose of covering your face with purdah, niqab and burqa

Alright. Coming to this chapter of the purpose, the real reason why you wanna wear it. From based on what I have read… there’s a lot of reasons why you should wear it or what you have to set in mind and in terms of your intention too before wearing it. But some of the main reasons:

  • To avoid fitnah. For some, if their faces are too pretty and will attract guys to look at it and feel sexually turned on, then supposedly it is advised (in some articles I read, it it is wajib) to cover up. For some, if their faces are ugly due to accidents or there’s skin problems you wanna cover up because if you don’t, people will downgrade you or insult you. This is based on appearance so…. not really the best of the best intentions? Coz let’s say if you have a really bad skin problem and once you cured it, then would you not wear your purdah? Something to think about.
  • To commit yourself towards Allah (to cover yourself properly) even more and avoid fitnah because of Allah.. I think this is the best one yet… For some who wanted to turn over a new leaf, some had a dark past.. So I think it’s best to cover up and avoid fitnah from people who knew us from the past and have ill intentions towards us, and it eases the process for us to.. you know.. change to be a better muslimah?
  • Wearing it to preserve your beauty and only to show it to the one who truly deserves it… which is your husband and your family.

For specific Islamic law regarding wearing a purdah, niqab and burqa, you can read more here (disclaimer: everything is written in Malay Language and some in Arabic):

Islamic Law based on 4 Mazhabs on wearing purdah


3. Restrictions on wearing purdah, niqab and burqa in Government workplace and institutions 

First things first, when I said it is restricted, it doesn’t mean that when you go to a government hospitals or services, you cannot wear niqab to these places. No. Usually, the law (yes, there is such law in Malaysia) only restricts the staffs and students of government institutions to not wear it.

The history began in 1985, when a clerk named Halimatusaadiah Kamaruddin worked in the office of the Perak State Legal Adviser, Ipoh, wears a purdah. And on 12th March 1985, an article in The Star was published, on government instructions banning all women working in government institutions from wearing purdah. She was later dismissed from public service on 16 December 1986 for wearing purdah. Absurd?  Now, a more interesting fact is Karpal Singh actually represented her as her lawyer when she decided to sue Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam Malaysia. I’m still digging into that case as of now.

UMNO haramkan Purdah_THe Star_1985.jpg

Article from The Star, dated March 12, 1985. Credit:

For the whole story on the case, you may read this in the link below:

Law and Order


Alright folks, that is all for now. Hope you enjoyed reading this. Apa yang baik datang dari Allah S.W.T. and apa yang buruk datang dari aku sendiri.

Disclaimer: I haven’t wear purdah yet. This is purely research on the Internet. Thank you pak cik Google.


Post 1 month

1 month ago I was…. engaged! And I had to go through a horrendous month… It’s safe to say my life changed 180 degrees not 360 degrees because then, I would be back at square one. I had to break up with someone and said yes to a proposal. Now, you may think I am cold-hearted but I can assure you that’s really not the whole story. And I also do not wish to tell you the whole story anyway… because I am here to tell you about the now 😀

The proposal indeed came when I least expected it. I am currently in my 8th semester finishing my degree, completing my final year project and scoring myself an internship and I have been definitely bad at doing those things. At the start of my semester, and probably my goal this year, I would like to score a GPA of 3.5 and above to fix my very sad…CGPA. Nevertheless, my wish was only to be a good student and finish what’s left of my degree… which is another two semesters including this one, Insha Allah. So you can imagine, someone who had marriage at the very back of their mind, wanting to get married probably at the age of 26, accepted a proposal four years earlier than she had aimed. Of course, I had my reasons and of course, I was not really in my right mind when I said yes. I just followed my gut, like I always have, praying to Allah that that was it.

You may have guessed it or not, up until now, sometimes I questioned why I am put in this situation. Maybe every cloud has a silver lining and this may be my cloud? You get what I meant. I keep telling myself there’s a hikmah to all of these which are happening or had happened to me. So 180 degrees of change was solely to my appearance…. to become a better muslimah. You bet. I ditched my jeggings, leggings, slim fit jeans, my small t-shirts and mini dresses I wore with cardigans, my average-length hijab. My wardrobe now consists mostly of jubahs, muslimah blouse (the kinda blouse that covers your junk at the back all the way to your knees, you know you need it ladies) and long hijabs. Soon, niqab will be an addition, though I am still in the process to understand the purpose of wearing it and.. frankly, I’m like the dumb dumb who reads “How to Wear Niqab for Dummies”.

So the now…. back to the present. Yesterday, my fiance gave me tazkirah on a lot of things. One of them was forgetting the past. Making peace with it. I shall elaborate it another time. Till then.